Where have you been beautiful one?
Your infectious smile that use to spread like the flu, seems to have been inoculated for some time now.
You’re hot blazing spirit has turned into embers, not giving enough warmth to ward off the cold.
This is what being in a bad relationship is like. Once vibrant and charismatic, focused and achieving, I allowed myself to turn his needs into my world, leaving me withering inside. My faith grew strong, I just knew I could pray my way into this being right. I knew this was a test God had for me to pass. I knew if I kept on him, I could make him into the man I needed because I knew he loved me. I just knew it.
But what about me? I love myself, there is no doubt about it. I have never allowed myself to be vulnerable for anyone else, always thinking of me and what you can do or be for me. A taker, not a giver. Please don’t misunderstand me, my kindness, friendship and loyalty is true. But don’t get it twisted, at the end of the day, I always got me first. For him though, I made sure he was good because he loved me and I loved him.
But now faced with the reality that my reality was a lie, I don’t feel sorrow. I don’t feel pained, wronged, worthless, anger, or shame. I feel alive again, almost like I am taking much need deep breaths of me, of Finess. And it feels so good. Yeah dating for my generation is definitely kinda shitty, but the thought of meeting new, exciting men has me giddy like finding another survivor after I narrowly escaped a walker! I pity him because he couldn’t fully see me, my pure and real love. Maybe this was God’s plan all along. I needed to learn to be selfless and to truly love someone more than myself. Lesson learned! He will now join the other string of men I have left in wake, still trying to back into good graces years later.
But I feel!
After being numb for so long… I feel! Awaken and on fire!