So I am on day 60… well 60ish… and I am quickly approaching my April 20th goal of 90 days without dating.
So far it’s been rough you guys! I’m not even going to pretend like I have completely smashed this goal! I have had moments that I thought about giving up! Times when I swore I was going to just fail, because this is too hard, I put way too many restraints on myself! I even contemplated going back to my ex in some of my lonely times… I mean he swears up and down that he loves me! I really wasn’t meant to be alone, and I’m getting older, and I want to have a baby, a family!
All of these things have raced through my head while I tried to remain strong, and collect myself! It’s not been an easy road, but I’m glad I am doing it! For once I’m starting to think clearly with my head not my heart and other areas!
Last night, for the first time since we broke up, my ex and I sat down and had a real conversation. He again tried to be cute with me and talk about me coming back to him, because you know, he loves me. Here’s the thing though, as I listened to him, I really took the time to hear what he was saying. All the things that he missed, all the things that he want, were all about him. Boy I wish I would have noticed this sooner! He wanted to possess me, not love me. He wanted me to be with him because he wanted me, not because he wanted to love me, not because he wanted to see me grow , or even to know me or what my happiness was. He wants me because he wants me.
Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty fucking amazing, as a woman and a life partner. I am always that “one that got away”! So am I use to having my ex’s come back around hoping that they can get another shot, but this experience really opened my eye. No one has really taken the time to know me! I can only think of one man, but he was so stuck on being a man-child that we couldn’t have a future! How insane is that! It’s like I have been dating the same guy over and over again, and it taken me true heartache to finally see what I have been missing.
I want someone to want to know me! To know me is to love me! I want a man who is so intrigued by me that 20 years later, he is still picking my brain: asking my thoughts and feeling about everything. This is what I heart craves, this is what I have been searching for and didn’t even know it!
Things are so different for me now! I cannot go back! I have finally realized what I want my future to look like. My days of dating men-children and fuckboi are completely over! I would rather be alone than to waste anymore time only getting crumbs of love!
2 months down… 20 more days to go! Let’s see if I hold on this new truth I found!